Таароф: перський мовний етикет

تعارف (ta'ârof) is the Iranian art of ritual politeness: offering what you do not expect to be accepted, refusing what you would like to accept, and insisting until the other side gives in. It is not insincerity; it is a script both sides know, and once you know it too, a lot of everyday Iranian conversation makes sense.

Romanization follows Tehran pronunciation: â is the long a, kh is the "ch" of Scottish loch, gh stands for both غ and ق, and ' marks a glottal stop.

The basic move: offer, refuse, insist

An offer is often turned down at first, and the host or seller insists. A first 'no' therefore tends to mean 'ask me again', and a real 'no' is said more firmly, more than once, with a reason. Most exchanges settle after two or three rounds.

Paying at a shop or in a taxi

You ask the price, and the shopkeeper or taxi driver may say قابلی نداره (ghâbeli nadâre) - 'it's not worthy of you', meaning 'be my guest'. This is ta'arof, not a gift. Thank them and insist, and they will name the price:

• چقدر تقدیم کنم؟ (cheghadr taghdim konam?) - How much shall I give you? (very polite)
• قابلی نداره. (ghâbeli nadâre) - Oh, it's nothing.
• خواهش می‌کنم، لطف دارید. چقدر شد؟ (khâhesh mikonam, lotf dârid. cheghadr shod?) - Please, you're very kind. How much is it?

At the door

Two people reach a doorway and each insists the other go first: بفرمایید (befarmâyid, spoken befarmâin) - After you! / نه، خواهش می‌کنم، شما بفرمایید. - No, please, you first. The guest or the older person usually ends up going through.

Tea and food

A host offers tea or fruit; a polite guest may first decline with زحمت نکشید (zahmat nakeshid) - Please don't go to any trouble. The host answers تعارف نکنید! (ta'ârof nakonid) - Don't stand on ceremony! and puts the glass down in front of you anyway. If you are full, say it plainly and repeat it: واقعاً مرسی، سیر شدم. (vâghe'an mersi, sir shodam) - Really, thank you, I'm full.

Fixed phrases

Honorific and humble verbs

Ta'arof also lives in the grammar. For other people you use elevated verbs, for yourself plain or humble ones: کی تشریف آوردید؟ (key tashrif âvordid?) - When did you arrive? (honorific 'come'), but من دیروز آمدم - I arrived yesterday. In formal speech فرمودید (farmudid, you said) is the polite counterpart of گفتید, while for yourself you may say عرض کردم ('arz kardam, I humbly said).

For English speakers

The closest English match is 'Oh, you shouldn't have', multiplied. Expect a first refusal and offer again; when you are offered something, a first 'no, thank you' is polite, and accepting on the second round is fine. When a taxi driver says قابلی نداره, pay.

Mistakes English speakers make

• Taking قابلی نداره at face value and walking off without paying.
• Treating a guest's first 'no' as final and not offering again.
• An honorific verb about yourself: *من تشریف آوردم - say من آمدم.
• Answering دستتون درد نکنه with just 'you're welcome' (خواهش می‌کنم); the warmer reply is سرتون درد نکنه.